I’ve been trying to kick it up a notch in this final month before my eval, but I’m carrying so much stress about not being as good at my job as I normally am.

So I definitely don’t feel as though I’m killing it. And we are buying and selling a house and preparing to move, which is not only taking up mental bandwidth but also time away from work for inspections, repairs (moving from one 100 year old house to another), paperwork, and all that. But right now my 10 month old is waking up so ungodly early I’m getting no sleep, and I feel less efficient and more and more behind.

In normal life, I’d take my annual appraisal – my first with her – in June to ask for a promotion and a pay bump, which would formalize what I feel as though I am already doing – providing leadership in our team, taking the lead on implementing certain projects, acting as a mentor/sounding board to my newer colleagues. She has told me that she appreciates my experience and skill and that I am taking this leadership role. I have taken a leadership role in our group of three, partly on my own because they need it, and partly because our boss (also newer to this office, but not the larger company) believes me to be the most competent of the three. Not sure what colleague B makes, he is new to the role and to the organization. I learned recently that colleague A, who transferred from within the organization, probably earns significantly more than me (~15%) due to our (not very good) rules of internal transfer. They both have less experience in the job in general (and of course less seniority in the organization). We recently increased the staff of our small office, and I now have two colleagues with the same title. TL DR – is this a stupid time to lean in? It can be useful to jump-start something, but… unless you have the skills and motivation to keep it up, it’s going to be temporary. To me, a big huge purge and organization project is kind of like going on a crash diet. It’s made me question a lot of my underlying assumptions, and helped me be ready and willing to get rid of things that I never would have. I’m about halfway through the course and… I’m just kind of not a slob anymore? It’s the most bizarre thing. It gets to the root of why I had so much stuff and why I never put anything away and was so disorganized. I have tried and failed a million times to keep my house clean and tidy and organized (books! blogs! my hyper organized mom standing over my shoulder! my tidy husband getting mad at me! crying! vowing I would do better this time, for real! almost immediately failing!), but this thing has been amazing. but I’m a huge slob and have been working through the Daily OM “Year to Clear” course. I’m kind of embarrassed about how many times I’ve recommended this….

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